A social services worker named Sawyer is put in charge of the hospital. Sawyer, huh? There's a joker in that. I'll think of it later. Nurse Edith: It's good business, Gordon. The patients eat the rats and then the rats eat the patients. Right away, we're introduced to new characters in the series. Including this homeless woman named Brownie. He's reusing his actors?
There were at the most, five people in Death Nurse. Or maybe he does have a shitload of friends, but even they want absolutely no part in Death Nurse 2. There's some weird background sound going on through most of this scene. I can't tell exactly what it is, but it sounds a tad bit like someone off camera tearing up the script. Only in the world of Shot on Shitteo can a part 2 round out a quadrilogy.
Oh come on! I don't know where you shot this, but I'm sure there's more than one old lady that you could have used. There's gotta be someone else in here to liven things up. Mortley] Oh for the love of Christ, will someone put him out of his misery already? Wait a minute, he lives? Oh, that's why he didn't die. Yes, yes, I know it's Halloween, and I suppose it's a little weird that I've never actually done a Halloween themed episode of this show. I mean, what am I supposed to do for it?
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What's that, you ask? I can wear a costume? Touche, voice in my head. The thieves get stuck in I don't know, Texarcana, the Ozarks, Toilet World, somewhere in the deep south. I would call him a douche, but that would just make your vag smell worse. Reba Sue is so doe-eyed that I'm getting starch ingestion just watching her. You're fighting over this guy? I can't even get zombies to fight over me.
How hard is it to start a moonshine business? I've got paint thinner and Windex in the cupboard over there. Moonshine business. And apparently when you hold rednecks hostage, you too turn special needs. Honey Britches? If this guy were any less likeable, he'd be a genocidal dictator. Well, now that he's killed someone, maybe he'll be a bit nicer. All you know about is how to bitch and how to eat and how to bitch and how to shit and how to bitch.
You don't know nothing about painting. Is that Abel acting or directing? Because if that's his directing style, well, he's certainly nicer to his actors than Kubrick was. This movie is so grimy that taking a bath in piss and grease would make me feel more clean than watching this thing. That's right, he killed you, and he drilled you to a door. Because that makes about as much sense as when he drilled that guy's hand to a brick wall. I know what you're thinking. This movie's not as entertaining as Italian Batman.
Is was the lesbians, wasn't it? Now you're expecting every movie I review to have lesbians in it. Well, this movie has lesbians in it too. Well, that's our first entry in Public Domain month. Glad I started on a happy note. And sure, yeah, I'm going to sit here and I'm going to trash the film myself.
But I can, because I've actually seen the movie. I don't base my entire opinion of the thing on a box cover. Also, interesting piece of trivia. I don't know if this is true, but according to Ferrara, that's Bruce Willis. The guy washing the windows: Could be true. Could be a lie. Regardless, it's a better career move than co-starring in North.
Back to Reno, though. I'm so glad they asked me to play this movie loud. It's imperitive that I hear all of his bitching. Unknown to Reno, his girlfriend starts having serious doubts about their relationship. Can't imagine why. When she gets a letter from an old lover. Voice over: This Thursday is the fifth anniversary of the first day we met. Never thought I'd say this, but could someone please drill this homeless guy?
You're really gonna go over there, critic? What are the odds that the crazy, starving artist you insulted is gonna kill you versus he actually did paint another piece of artwork within six hours? I'm sorry, did the screen cut to red? I didn't notice, since that's the only color I was seeing throughout the entire film. Watch this. Did he bump into the camera or did the cameraman just shart? I already question this movie by its tagline: The love every parent fears.
That's the love every parent fears? I can think of a couple worse ones. How about: Or, she's 15, he's 5. Hilarious and over-the-top, but a little creepy. I wonder what they're gonna cut to next. Meanwhile in A Chorus Line This scene only exists to show us that yes, Linda Blair is more than a She's a perfect She's also 16, Snob. Just a little tip.
If you hear someone calling out in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm, don't go outside. Just call someone. We open with a girl on her way to church before acting in this sinful movie. See kids, back then we had to use our payphones in giant hollowed-out cherries.
The Cinema Snob Quotes
The Truck Driver Rex Everhart: In they was gonna open up, the water was bad. Bad water? Was the killer just really lazy that year and decided to shit in the water? Because I am pretty sure they drink out of the lake anyway! Well, you're gonna end up here anyway, so might as well drop you off at the cemetery to save you a trip and all.
Whoo, whoo! Hey, he is the comic relief. Let him try to kill you so long as it is funny! First they are killing teenagers, now they are kidnapping the music from Psycho? For shame! Wonder how in the hell long was he in there? If no one opened that door, was he planning on staying in there all night? Well, at least he picked the room with the food in it so he wouldn't starve to death.
People call this place "doomed", "cursed", "Camp Blood" I would still stay, at least I know I would get laid first. This one's for you. Do you hear that? It's too much for paying audience to see but perfectly okay for the back of the box that everyone can see! That girl with her legs spread-eagle is totally into you. Alice spends most of her time drawing covers for Stephen King's Firestarter.
Boy, Crystal lake has grown since the last time we saw it. I hear their Exxon now has a Donkey Kong Paul John Furey: Among other things, this is bear country and contrary to what everybody hears, bears are dangerous.
I don't want to scare anyone but I am going to give it to you straight about Jason. But doctors tell me that the only cure is a machete to the face. She decides to sexi-fy this scene by putting on a much heavier sweater and poop-brown undies. Ooo-hoo, itchy. It's funny seeing the early days when Jason actually had some feeling in between his legs. If Betsy Palmer did the first one because she needed a new car, was this one done because she needed new brake-pads?
Maybe the title even goes on from there! The Rawhide Kid has a bit of luck, because the monster is randomly struck by lightning! I guess because he walked longer as Mr. Hyde than he did as Dr. And that's the end of Geek Maggot Bingo! Where do I start? Where do I finish? Most of the movies I watch feature a cast so unknown that not even their blood cells recognize them. I can't imagine what kind of cast this movie has. Wait a minute, George Clooney? Charlie Sheen? Laura Dern? What, Nurse Rachid?
The Valley Girl? John Rhys Davies? Charles Cyphers? Was that supposed to be The Grizzly? Sounds like if a pig's turd could talk and it was dying. Oh, that's why they got lost: The campers can't even see it. Killed by a grizzly. A large one. Did you really have to specify that? A hungry one. I guess she now knows what it's like to be Jon Cryer. This is what doing The Robot looks like if you have a power strip up your ass.
Reviews/Trivia of B-Movies, Bad Movies, and Cult Movies.
They're just dying to sell me a Fanta. A lot of reasons were given for the movie never being finished. One of which was problems with the animatronic bear. Another reason was that the financier was jailed, and also that the crew was kicked out of Hungary, which is where the movie was being filmed. And many of their possessions were confiscated. That brings up the point, why did this movie have to be filmed in Hungary? What, no woods in the U. And don't give me the excuse of permits. I know a wooded area five minutes from my house that you could film a disaster movie in and no one would notice.
Her face will launch a thousand products. Everything from T-shirts to coffee mugs. After that TV appearances. How invested can I be in this if it's constantly asking me to do other things on the computer? Like if it's about a Sharknado or something? I'm losing interest, movie! Grumpy Cat: You are powerless to resist me. I'm just saying that Lloyd's worst Christmas would be a snuff film. Ella has decided that despite Jim saving her from the Rape Squad, she's still deciding to go with Nate Whoa, whoa Do we have to talk about that here? They should save that conversation for when they go to Indiana Comic-Con.
The movie stars popular character actor Ward Bond presumably because he's the closest actor they could find whose name sounds a little like war bond. Ward Bond shot down an airplane, shaved Hitler, and called him "toots". This was a good week. It began to flop and grow large, and then he touched me. It was impossible to resist. I don't know how.
The weather was so hot. Stop crying. After all, she kept her word.
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She may not be such a bitch, she'll help you. Oh yeah, other than she made me use my tongue as toilet paper, she's just darling. Is she taking her vagina and making origami out of it? Stop calling it that. It makes me think you're talking about a chocolate bar. Which, I dunno, may not be that far off. That's prison talk for Unfortunately Shatner did not count on the widow's terror of a daughter named Tina.
Yes, the plot claims that Shatner is the movie's villain but I contest that the true villain of Impulse is Tina. She makes Bart Simpson look like the spawn of Ozzie and Harriet. Someone kill this girl! Kill her now! Look at her face. She looks like she's You know what? No, no. I'm sorry. Is that music? It sounds like Salacious Crumb jerking off. I get those two confused sometimes. Oh don't worry about that, I'm pretty sure he's still in the closet. Oh, shit. It's the Anipals. I knew there was something in this room that had a hand up its ass. Tim Noah: This must be where Tarzan lives.
Probably has lots of animals for friends. Never has to do any homework. Hey, hey. Tim lives with his mom. It isn't just me. Even the movie knows that so far it sucked. Thank god we're now at the good part. Tim's Imagination: Well, I guess you won't be needing your magic powers then. Now he looks like that prick I always wanted to strangle in Super Mario World. You feeling the effects yet, Tim? I know you are! It's like 6 pm out there, loser.
And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell. Well that's what friends are for You mean I've spent years scratching away at my jock itch when I could have easily had my friends do it? Are we ever going to see this Wicker Bricker Weed Whacker they keep singing about? That's what I'm talking about! It's me and you, man! So in other words, this movie should be called In Search for Nothing?
No you can't! You're the dirty Christmas of children's entertainers. He's so American he tastes like pancakes. It's a little too soon, Tim. We've only just met and I already think you also have severed heads in your closet. Let's see now. What can I do with mashed potatoes? Please, please. For the love of God, just eat them. Just look at this room! It looks like it's been hit by a Yeah and whose fault is that? Don't shoot rocket launchers in the house if you don't want to get in trouble with your year-old mom.
Tim leads a very weird life. He lives inside of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's stomach, and yet he still manages to be the whitest thing in the room. Kirk Cameron's Evolution of Dance was weird. The dancing's not that good, it lacks actual evolution, and it's kinda bigoted. Though not even Kirk Cameron is in this much denial. Wait a minute! There's no telephone in here! Well that goes to show that just because you have a boring title, doesn't mean you won't end up with a movie that features both beastiality and golden showers.
At first Chris and Selia come across as a young, fun loving couple and just want to swing it up '70s style on the good old islands. Yeah, go ahead and paint those pants. It's just gonna end up looking like that later. Who gets jealous in the s? Seriously, the only thing monogamous in the seventies was peanut butter and jelly.
Oh Jesus, no. Oh, it's just paint. Still sucks to be this guy, but thank God, it's just paint. Paint containing shards of glass aparently. He's religious now? So they're religious zealots? Oh, no, no, that makes total sense. A prudish, devout religious man who kills those who are immoral Why am I afraid that by the end of the movie he's going to turn out to be a nazi too? I'm starting to get the feeling that Chris and Selia are a really weird couple.
Sounds like his dick is drowning. But it's nice to see that the cop has some screen time now The third time we see him he's dangling from a plane? I mean, his mannequin is dangling from a plane? Well it's okay, because clearly this is our hero and Let's build up this cop character and then hang him from a plane. Is this a 3D movie all of a sudden? Why not? Every other movie is. Chris, the warm, comforting husband that he is, shows his sadness for his wife's rape by going out and raping a lesbian. Dude's a dick! Stilted Singer: I see the wonders of the day. Millions of people left.
Like clay. Wouldn't you know, yokel farmer equals rapist. And, an equal opportunity rapist too. Oh, of course they're siblings. Why wouldn't I expect this movie to be any classier than Tromeo and Juliet? If only the stab wounds and bullet holes had given us more clues! Might as well cut him loose. We all certainly remember the classic Danny Elfman Batman theme! This isn't it! There's only one way to know for sure that it's Mark Shannon Let's see Five genital warts. What's this? One of the sequels, I suppose?
I guess I could knock one of these, but which one do I make fun of? Jaws 3: Jaws vs. Giant Sea World Commercial, or Jaws: The Revenge: There's a Brody-esque sheriff, and I say Brody-esque because he's nothing like Brody. And who uses the word Oodles? Oh, so Raphael's a voyeur now? Well that's going to cost him about ten wall flips. I can't show you what he's looking at, there's no subtitles so I don't know what she's saying, but judging by the sound of her voice Fin question mark? Well of course this isn't the end, in the sequel they learn about the "Secret of The Ooze"!
Here's a hint Oh, they're not really dressed like turtles. They're dressed in cheap dollar-store Ninja Turtles Halloween costumes. Somehow, this is worse. Because that's just what I want to jerk off to: The movie gets the balls rolling rather quick as a Foot Soldier gets molested by the Tricera-tits here for some reason. They don't even look like turtles; they look like Superman after being raped. Hey lady, you might wanna watch where you point that gun, I've seen where it's been.
I'm not kidding, she 44'd her Dirty Harry. There's a drill in my head! By the way, if you want a character to provide exposition, don't make him sound like this But there is something we can do! I heard "talcum powder" somewhere in there Oh, I am dying of thirst! I'm going to take a drink. Red Riding Hood: Be careful, Stinky! You'll turn into a monkey like the others!
That's right! I almost forgot! Is that little shit giving me the finger? Well, right back at you, Baby Bob! And when I say they yammer about bullshit, they yammer about bullshit. However, the topic of bullshit may be a step up for them. All I have to say about this scene is: Tommy James, how could you? I do not need that show crossed with Leatherface: There's a gang rape scene where the mother makes her sons have sex with one of the girls while the other two girls watch from upstairs. Sure, that sounds like it could be a little disturbing, but seeing as how the scene has the mother making the girl wear a Shirley Temple outfit and it includes dialogue like this [excerpt of one of the hillbillies yelling at an invisible dog] You might as well have named the movie Forrest Gump's The Girl Next Door.
Either way, it's gonna hurt. Last year when I was gone this long, I came back with a movie about zombie confederate soldiers. Thank God there's not another one of those. Why is this movie told in flashback? Now I know that this guy survives. These two guys are brothers and their goal in this trip is to track down a cabin left to them by their deceased father. Or to get laid. It's one thing to have your movie look like Manos, but to have it paced like Manos as well? You may as well have simply set out to officially remake Manos. Also, maybe it's just me, but I don't think the RV is moving in these interior shots.
No wonder it's taking them so long to get to that cabin. You know why the ghosts aren't showing up? You're putting them to sleep! Goddammit, I can't even fall asleep! Be warned though, this ending does lead to the amazing twist that the crew used an overhead light the entire time.
I can't tell if the movie is censoring itself or if the cameraman just came all over the lens. Now she whips the hell out of him for daring to insult her acid nipples. Will you STOP doing that? I'd rather go jerk off to a garbage bag full of maggots and naked photos of Margaret Thatcher. Oh just go ahead and throw in a Rocky reference.
You know you wanna. Billy McRighteous: The Bible says 'he who turneth the other cheek, needeth more toilet paper'. Jeremiah Chapter 2, verse 5, Rocky 4. I wish the Bible had the Rocky movies in it. I'd be at my local church listening to Monseignor T. Seriously, you wanna make a zombie flick? All you have to do is just name the movie after whatever locale the movie takes place and then just add "of the dead" after it. Or, if you're feeling really rebellious, you can even extend it to "of the living dead". Don't do it.
Of course, once you take a shit, then stick it back up your ass, and shit again, it's still not gonna taste good on a cracker. Never thought I'd be so glad to be back in the deserts of Africa. Will something hilarious happen, please? And why in God's name would you invite Clay of all people to your bachelor party?
Don't do this. Oh, I had five. Christ sake, the opening credit names are being sucked up, much like their careers. If the vacuum can suck up the rest of the movie, this should be relatively painless to sit through. Thank you, movie, now I know that the town has street lights and birds. Birds who apparently like to crap yogurt on peoples' heads. Vernon, it's not normal to carry on mature relations with a household appliance. It's also not normal to cut away in the middle of your scene to a vacuum cleaner shitting! The detective puts together a A line-up? Here's an idea: Meanwhile on planet Apple, the aliens from earlier are enjoying a nice steam.
But don't take my word for it. What do you have to say, Cinema Bum? Cinema Bum: I don't have anything to say about this movie. These are some of the cheesiest alien effects I've ever seen. Let's hope the shot of their ship is a tad bit better It's a Simon machine? What, couldn't find enough glue to attach a Super Sonic? So the movie doesn't get too carried away, it takes a little break so Rena can watch television, and whatever she's watching sounds funnier than the rest of the movie. Once they realize the vacuum they created through bum love has grown a mind of its own, a female alien is sent down to seduce Vernon, because Let's hope he doesn't give in to temptation.
At least this will give him something to talk about in therapy. Wow, that scared him so much he turned back into a freeze frame. Oh yeah, and we're apparently ahead nine months in the story because Rena is about to give birth. John Hurt's Alien True, life may have a sequel, but this movie sure as hell didn't. Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars starts out with something you never want to see in a bad movie: Special Appearance by Ray Zone Day? I don't know who that is, but I like it better than an appearance by Red Zone Cuba.
You know, it really doesn't matter to me what movie I watch today, as long as it's not Night of Horror, it's a step up. What's that? It's about a killer vacuum brought to life by aliens and a horny homeless man? Still a step up. Still not as bad as Night of Horror. Easy there, claymation, you're almost getting the beer in their mouths. At least it's a murder weapon that can clean up its own crime scene. Here's a more realistic thought: This is very unrealistic! What do you mean Humpty Dumpty was an egg? How can a person be an egg, Cotton? How can a person be an egg? It's the first exploitation movie for five-year-olds.
This is the movie equivalent of trying to entertain me by dangling keys in front of my face. But is it true, Babs? If there weren't any chickens, there wouldn't be any eggs? Is that true? But there will always be chickens. You can be sure of that. But suppose someday it happens? Suppose someday there weren't any chickens. Oh, Babs What could I possibly do? This is not the sign of a good exploitation movie if the conversation you were having would make just as much sense if you were talking to Elmo. Sandy Sandstone: You're a real cunt, you know that? How can you be so shitty to people? How can you stand yourself?
I'd wash this movie's mouth out with soap, but I'd rather give this bar of soap a more dignified death, like scrubbing my asshole! Oh, this is where they mate, Crackers. Right here on this very bed. This is where they touch their uninspired little organs together, vainly trying to charge their worn-out battery of filthiness. Let me just run through the first part of the movie with you. Four minutes in: Ten minutes in: Thirteen minutes: Fifteen minutes: Twenty minutes: Twenty two minutes: Twenty nine minutes: Obviously, I can't show you what the zombie does to the woman, but let's just say The last time I trusted a hockey player, I got a miniature Zamboni shoved up my ass.
This doesn't look like John Travolta and Lily Thompson about to have sex It's Valentine's Day, how did a movie called Rape Squad get a higher priority? Have you seen my show for the last five years? We're lucky they didn't send an actual rape squad. Where does this movie take place? Whatever, I'm just going to assume it takes place in Buck Owen's ball sac. Are you upset that your friend Weed died or are you upset that he's the one who had all the weed? You don't care if I was sick once. They like me anyway. No, they don't like you. In fact, they're probably praying that they were in a Ruggero Deodato film.
Add one giant crooked tooth down the middle of his face, and we've got the words "bitter virgin" in human form. If that wasn't awkward enough, they actually make him flirt with someone. His name is Weed? I can't wait to see the camp slut, who's probably named Whore. For some reason that leads to Alan's new nickname ["Blow Job"] That name doesn't even make sense. His initials aren't B. When young Gacy asks you to his secret hiding place, you say no.
There are plenty of nice people out there with crawlspaces. One, they skinned frogs. And two, they actually made me feel sorry for Alan. You know, that's an interesting point. Listen, I've been in this business a long time, and believe me, I've seen much worse tantrums than that. Yeah, but the difference being we didn't have to see a movie about that. Well, it's Precinct 13 if the Cholo just decided to call the grieving father a 'blow job', and if it all ended in a tantrum and not a shoot out.
I feel bad that these campers now have to resort to porn. Back in the '80s, campers were banging all over the place. But some things never change, people are still trying to kill them. It's like getting mad at the series finale of a show I didn't even like.
Why must parents endure these wretched 'family' films?
Ooh, sweet reference that has nothing to do with Sleepaway Camp! Now it's time to tie up one of the other counselors and Giovanni Lombardo Radice the hell out of his dick. So all we are left with is an unlikeable lead character who we do not feel sorry for when he is bullied. And when I say unlikeable, that is the biggest understatement I have ever uttered on this entire show.
Alan is arguably the worst lead character in any horror film ever made. I am not kidding when I say Alan is the most unlikeable lead since Triumph of the Will. Weed and his lackey here wrap cow shit up in a joint and then talk Alan into smoking it. I can't believe no one has given him a wedgie yet.
Besides, he likes it when we make fun of him. You're about to get your dick cut off. Would you mind taking this more seriously? A penile death scene so severe I didn't have to censor anything. This was apparently Isaac Hayes' last released film before his death, which seems really sad, as he's mostly just standing there saying nothing and looking depressed. He certainly paid more attention to the reactive mind when accepting this role.
They had to put a black screen there because it was just too amazing for us to see, or they blew their entire budget on Isaac Hayes, shitty credits and shitty CGI. What do you think happened? When are you gonna do something about this? Okay, none of this works! In the original film, Angela was bullied, she was picked on, yes, and there was even a scene like this when she was thrown into the water.
Angela had a sweet sort of innocence to her which made it more shocking when something dark would happen with her character. Alan is a bully who just happens to also be getting bullied. When the people in the story feel sorry for him, it makes no goddamn sense! The opening credits weren't lying. There's Isaac Hayes as Chef. Makes sense, Alan is about as likeable as later seasons' Eric Cartman. Also, I kinda sound like God in this room. Is it bad that I love seeing horrible things happen to this guy?
Unless you're luring him into the woods just to shoot paint balls at him. Oh, how I wish this were Child's Play 3 and those bullets were real. Now Vincent is all tied up for some reason. Reblogged this on Don't Dress Like Beethoven. You are commenting using your WordPress. You are commenting using your Twitter account. You are commenting using your Facebook account. Notify me of new comments via email.
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